Surviving the Holidays - After Loss

Coping with Grief During the Holidays

You know it’s coming. You see the advertisements and decorations. The date on the calendar appears huge in comparison to those around it. The memories of years past come flooding in along with the looming question of “How do I get through this?” Holidays can be some of the most difficult times when you’ve lost someone you love.

Holidays seem to be a magnification of the painful loss. Emotions become more intense with a focus on who and what is missing. Traditions that used to bring joy may now seem pointless and agonizing.

Just like many significant dates, such as anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions, holidays for many can be met with a wavering between a desire to enjoy the “happy” time and a desire to avoid the pain and grief.

While nothing will completely erase that pain, there are some ways that might make it a little less overwhelming and this time of year a bit more manageable.

Plan ahead with a focus on how your decisions will help you heal.

Think about what you can handle and what is best for you. Decisions and plans should be based around a goal of providing healing and comfort during this difficult time.

Surround yourself with support, and ask for help.

Reach out to those who care. This is not about replacing the person you lost. No one can do that. This is simply about reminding yourself you are not completely alone.

Feel without judgement.

Let yourself feel, well, whatever you are feeling. I know you are expecting to feel negative emotions (i.e. sad, angry, fearful, etc). It’s also okay if you feel happy or find yourself laughing. It’s not dishonoring your loved one to find joy and take care of yourself.

Identify a way to acknowledge the absence and express your love.

We don’t lose our emotional connection to a person just because they are gone. Finding a way to keep the spirit and love alive is a part of the grieving process. Try lighting a candle or saying a prayer at the holiday. Maybe donate or volunteer with a charity that was significant to your loved one. Think of something of that provides meaning and connection for you.

Be patient.

Be patient with yourself and with others. Remember, everyone grieves differently, which means even members of the same family may have different expectations of how the holiday should be spent. Especially the first year, everyone is trying to figure out this new way of being.

Remember, grief is a representation of the love you felt and continue to feel for the significant person you lost. If you didn’t love them so much, it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Therapy may also help at this difficult time. Often, people seek grief counseling to learn to manage the pain and find joy again while still maintaining a connection with lost loved ones.