Surviving the Holidays - Family Edition

How to Deal with Your Family at the Holidays

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

– Johnny Carson

With Thanksgiving approaching, family gatherings are on the horizon. This may be bring up a lot of emotions for you, some that might be quite painful.

A few minutes with family, and somehow you turn right back into the person you were growing up. You may have grown and changed, but interacting with your family can feel like a giant step backwards. Maybe you are normally confident in yourself and your choices, and yet with certain family members the feelings of insecurity or guilt come rushing over you. Or possibly you generally are patient and understanding, but with your family, you are quick to anger at whatever mom/dad/brother/sister has done or said.

Each family works in a certain dynamic – a set of rules regarding how the family interacts with one another and the role each person plays. As a result, it’s hard not to fall right back into that pattern.

However, there is hope!

Here are some tips to help change the way you spend time with your family and hopefully feel a little less emotional and more in control:

1. You can’t control them but you can control yourself.

It’s your decision to let their behavior define or affect you. You may be the only one interested in changing the dynamics, and that’s okay. Focus on yourself and what you can do, instead of on pushing back and trying to make others see the errors of their ways.

2. Attempt to have a meaningful, honest heart to heart conversation.

Use “I Feel” statements that are not attacking. Your goal is not to CHANGE them, but to express how you feel. Even if they don’t hear you, be proud of yourself for making the attempt. Then let their reaction go. Some people are not ready or capable of having those conversations and may respond in a defensive or aggressive manner.

3. Remember, there is no perfect family.

The dream of the Leave it To Beaver family is not reality to anyone. Most family dynamics are closer to the Simpsons – wacky, chaotic and full of conflict. Attempt to let go of the unrealistic expectations you have for family members. Remember, parents and siblings are human and just as flawed as everyone else.

4. Be prepared.

You know your family. You know how they typically respond. Before going home, identify how you would like to be during your interactions and think about their possible reaction (i.e. crying, yelling, guilt trips). You now have the opportunity to decide beforehand how you would like to respond and how you can best feel safe.

5. Limit Interaction.

For some, family dynamics may be abusive or toxic. In these instances, the best course of action may be to limit interaction. If physical abuse is part of the dynamic, remove yourself immediately. If the situation becomes verbally or emotionally abusive, you always have the right to leave. Remember, you deserve to be treated better and your family’s way of relating does not define your worth.

Sometimes this is difficult to do on your own. Therapy can be a place where you explore the family relationship and its impact on you, as well as how best to approach it during the holidays or at any time of year.