Letting Go of Anger and Resentment
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It’s an unfortunate truth in life: we’ve all been hurt before, and we will be hurt in the future. Sometimes the people we expect to hurt us do. Sometimes we are hurt by the people we are closest to. Sometimes it is by accident, and sometimes it feels as if it is intentional.
However it happens and wherever it comes from, the hurt can leave you feeling helpless and vulnerable. You relive conversations and fantasize about what we could have or should have said. Maybe you tell yourself to “get over it,” but your mind frequently drifts to the situation or the person, and the emotions begin to overwhelm you – pain , sadness, hurt, and especially anger and resentment.
Here are some ways to help let go of hurt, anger and resentment:
1. Acknowledge your power
You may not have control over the situation or person, but you do have control over your actions. Make the choice to “let it go” and focus on healing yourself. Replaying and recreating situations in your mind only give you a false sense of control and strength. Embrace real power and dictate how you live, rather than being a victim to someone else. Make a commitment to yourself to stop reliving the past hurt or fantasizing about what you could have or should have said or done.
2. Acknowledge your pain
While obsessing may not be beneficial, honoring your feelings is. Anger and resentment are secondary emotions to sadness and hurt. It’s easier to be angry as it creates a false sense of control (see 1) but we must feel, to heal. This can be done through talking with a trusted confidant – family member, friend… perhaps a therapist. It may also be helpful to express your feelings in a way that feels helpful to you – art, journal, a letter. If you write a letter to the person who hurt you, DO NOT SEND IT. This task is about you expressing yourself to identify what you are letting go of. It is NOT for the person who hurt you. That will likely lead to more hurt and further amplify the conflict.
3. Acknowledge the joy in your life:
When hurt, we tend to focus on the past rather than the present. We miss the blessings around us because we are so focused on the pain and perceived hell we find ourselves in. Rumination will not change anything except keeping you stuck in the pain. Sometimes it’s helpful to have a cue to bring us back to the here-and-now if we find our minds moving backwards. This could be a phrase or word. For example, it could be long - “I create my own reality and joy. I choose happiness in my life” – or short – “choose happiness.”
4. Acknowledge Forgiveness
Let’s be honest, this can very hard to do. Forgiveness is not for the other person; it is for you. Forgiveness is a decision to let go of the impact of another’s behavior. Forgiveness does not condone or approve of behavior, it is to free yourself of the impact of the wrongdoings. Forgiveness includes accepting the reality of the past and allowing yourself to stop hoping for that past to somehow turn out better.
5. Be curious about the impact anger and resentment has on you.
Our anger can sometimes feel like the judge and jury for others’ wrongdoings. If we forgive or don’t stay angry, the fear is “they were right” or “they win.” But to make sure they don’t win, what are you losing? Ask yourself these two questions: What do I gain by holding on to the resentment? and What do I gain by letting go of the resentment?
6. Talk it out
Often, anger and resentment is just the tip of the iceberg to what is really bothering us. Exploring why what happened is so painful can help release you from the pain, both in this situation and in future ones. Therapy can be a great resource in helping you understand your emotional experience.